~ A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car. ~

~ I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. ~

~ My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. ~

~ When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute. ~

~ Babies are such a nice way to start people ~

~ You start out happy that you have no hips or boobs. All of a sudden you get them, and it feels sloppy. Then just when you start liking them, they start drooping. ~

~ Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away. ~

~ My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton. ~

~ I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. ~

~ In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards. ~

~ The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case. ~

~ Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit. ~

~ A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink. ~

~ Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. ~

~ I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go in the other room and read a book. ~